Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
We've had a lot going on here lately because of chillier weather and trying to do the "home stead" things that need done, and, well.... we just aren't exciting people, I guess.
My last post about the worms that are trying to slither back into my children's lives, didn't generate as much traffic as I though it would, but a dear friend found my blog and sent me a sweet message, and I appreciated that.
It still hurts, and I still want to run the idiots over with my Jeep, but what's done is done. They both make me sick, but I am thankful that the girls still consider my ex husband their Dad. He was the one who tucked them in, gave kisses, snuggled during scary movies, made us all laugh and helped them grow up into the beautiful young women they are today. He and I may not be married anymore, but he IS their Dad, and I wouldn't change that for anything... ever. He was a wonderful Dad, and I wouldn't have chosen anyone else to raise my children with.
I found a poem I'd like to share and it resonates with how I feel about the whole situation...
Always My Father, but Never My Dad
I'm sorry you missed out when I went to school for the 1st time,
And you didn't have me tell you that you were all mine,
I'm sorry you weren't there to take me to the mall,
And you weren't there to tell me I have to stand tall,
Sorry you weren't the one I saw when I came home that day
Or the one I'd run to when I had a bad day,
I'm sorry you didn't hear me write these, you'd have been so proud,
And you weren't there to lift me up on a cloud,
Sorry you weren't there to tell me there's nothing to fear,
But then again you should have been here,
I'm sorry you weren't the one to teach me to ride a bike,
Or the one who took me on my first ride.
I'm sorry you weren't the one who carried me on his back,
that was my other daddy, the one I actually had!
Or the one who held me tight when strength is what I lacked,
I'm sorry you weren't the one to hold me when I cried,
Or tell me I did great when I really tried,
I'm sorry you were never there to teach me how to cook,
Or there at night to read me my favorite book,
I'm sorry me as a daughter is what you never had,
You will always be my father, but you will never be my dad.
I loved reading this, and I think the girls would say this to their biological jerks (and I can only wish they may already have)...
Thank you to my ex husband for being (and still being) a good Dad.
My last post about the worms that are trying to slither back into my children's lives, didn't generate as much traffic as I though it would, but a dear friend found my blog and sent me a sweet message, and I appreciated that.
It still hurts, and I still want to run the idiots over with my Jeep, but what's done is done. They both make me sick, but I am thankful that the girls still consider my ex husband their Dad. He was the one who tucked them in, gave kisses, snuggled during scary movies, made us all laugh and helped them grow up into the beautiful young women they are today. He and I may not be married anymore, but he IS their Dad, and I wouldn't change that for anything... ever. He was a wonderful Dad, and I wouldn't have chosen anyone else to raise my children with.
I found a poem I'd like to share and it resonates with how I feel about the whole situation...
Always My Father, but Never My Dad
I'm sorry you missed out when I went to school for the 1st time,
And you didn't have me tell you that you were all mine,
I'm sorry you weren't there to take me to the mall,
And you weren't there to tell me I have to stand tall,
Sorry you weren't the one I saw when I came home that day
Or the one I'd run to when I had a bad day,
I'm sorry you didn't hear me write these, you'd have been so proud,
And you weren't there to lift me up on a cloud,
Sorry you weren't there to tell me there's nothing to fear,
But then again you should have been here,
I'm sorry you weren't the one to teach me to ride a bike,
Or the one who took me on my first ride.
I'm sorry you weren't the one who carried me on his back,
that was my other daddy, the one I actually had!
Or the one who held me tight when strength is what I lacked,
I'm sorry you weren't the one to hold me when I cried,
Or tell me I did great when I really tried,
I'm sorry you were never there to teach me how to cook,
Or there at night to read me my favorite book,
I'm sorry me as a daughter is what you never had,
You will always be my father, but you will never be my dad.
I loved reading this, and I think the girls would say this to their biological jerks (and I can only wish they may already have)...
Thank you to my ex husband for being (and still being) a good Dad.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Parenting... from a Mom of Grown Children (Who are and always will be my babies...)
This is something I've just got to get off my chest...
I gave birth to 6 wonderful, perfect, fantastic children... no, they don't all have the same fathers. Most do, but not all. I was a bit promiscuous back in the day. Yes I know that isn't the thing many folks would want put out there, and I'm not quite sure I do either, but that is what needs to be said for what I feel I need to write about.
I'm sure I will never be a successful blogger, but I was a successful Mom. All of my children are now adults, working toward lives of their own. I think I did a pretty good job in raising them. I did it on my own, because the other part of them walked away. I am mainly speaking of my last two daughters...
My 21 year old, dimple faced beauty was never acknowledged by her father. He knew about her, we shopped for maternity clothes, he made promises that I should have known he wouldn't keep, his Dad was excited about becoming a Grandpa, but it was not meant to be.
And that was ok. He disappeared out of her life, resurfaced for (I think) a week when she was three, and *poof!* gone again.
She wanted to find him and see what he was like, now that she's 21. I told her his name, and she found him on FaceBook. Yea, the ultimate "let's dig up old past friends and wounds" place... What did Mr. Wonderful do? Told her she wasn't his. Told her he didn't know I was pregnant. Told her I had never said a word. Said he wouldn't believe it until a paternity test was done. Then proceeded to contact that Steve Wilkos Show wanting me to go on national television to get a paternity test done. (I never said I was very smart back then...apparently he is still not...) He continues to deny her, and it beaks my heart knowing that she is searching, and he is running. I've tried to talk to her, but it doesn't help. I want to take away that pain, but I can't.
My youngest is my 20 year old brown eyed Princess, and of course, another FaceBook story... she had to "find herself" by looking up the man who gave her up for adoption when she was 4 years old. He doesn't deny her, but I don't understand how someone can make a child, have nothing to do with them for 16 years, then suddenly waltz back into their life with no regard of what they've done? He was never there to wipe a snotty nose, to comfort a bad dream, to buy a prom dress, or to teach her how to drive, but now wants the recognition and respect to be "Dad"?
I don't think he has earned that title; and even less to be called "Grandpa". He would have been allowed to be in her life, had he tried, but he gave up. He gave up the responsibility, and with that, he gave up that right.
I have made bad choices in my life, and obviously, these two affairs were major ones. But without them, I wouldn't have my most precious blessings. I adore my girls (all of my children), and I hate that I am unable to protect them.
I just don't understand how men (or women) can walk away because they don't get along with the other they have chosen to make the baby with. And once a person walks away and out of a child's life, how dare they think they can walk back in without repercussion?
However, I guess in my case, it's too late, because these two men have decided to try and destroy my beautiful daughters lives with their quite different, but eerily utterly similar behavior.
In conclusion, can I just simply say to anyone who may read this... Please, please, please.... when you make a child, be there. No matter if you want to "be with" the other parent or not. You just never realize what you are doing to that child, even as an adult. My girls are wonderful, well rounded , successful adults... but what has happened to them, hurts, and that's wrong. Why would anyone want to hurt one they supposedly "love"? Maybe that word is just a bit overused these days... ya think?
I gave birth to 6 wonderful, perfect, fantastic children... no, they don't all have the same fathers. Most do, but not all. I was a bit promiscuous back in the day. Yes I know that isn't the thing many folks would want put out there, and I'm not quite sure I do either, but that is what needs to be said for what I feel I need to write about.
I'm sure I will never be a successful blogger, but I was a successful Mom. All of my children are now adults, working toward lives of their own. I think I did a pretty good job in raising them. I did it on my own, because the other part of them walked away. I am mainly speaking of my last two daughters...
My 21 year old, dimple faced beauty was never acknowledged by her father. He knew about her, we shopped for maternity clothes, he made promises that I should have known he wouldn't keep, his Dad was excited about becoming a Grandpa, but it was not meant to be.
And that was ok. He disappeared out of her life, resurfaced for (I think) a week when she was three, and *poof!* gone again.
She wanted to find him and see what he was like, now that she's 21. I told her his name, and she found him on FaceBook. Yea, the ultimate "let's dig up old past friends and wounds" place... What did Mr. Wonderful do? Told her she wasn't his. Told her he didn't know I was pregnant. Told her I had never said a word. Said he wouldn't believe it until a paternity test was done. Then proceeded to contact that Steve Wilkos Show wanting me to go on national television to get a paternity test done. (I never said I was very smart back then...apparently he is still not...) He continues to deny her, and it beaks my heart knowing that she is searching, and he is running. I've tried to talk to her, but it doesn't help. I want to take away that pain, but I can't.
My youngest is my 20 year old brown eyed Princess, and of course, another FaceBook story... she had to "find herself" by looking up the man who gave her up for adoption when she was 4 years old. He doesn't deny her, but I don't understand how someone can make a child, have nothing to do with them for 16 years, then suddenly waltz back into their life with no regard of what they've done? He was never there to wipe a snotty nose, to comfort a bad dream, to buy a prom dress, or to teach her how to drive, but now wants the recognition and respect to be "Dad"?
I don't think he has earned that title; and even less to be called "Grandpa". He would have been allowed to be in her life, had he tried, but he gave up. He gave up the responsibility, and with that, he gave up that right.
I have made bad choices in my life, and obviously, these two affairs were major ones. But without them, I wouldn't have my most precious blessings. I adore my girls (all of my children), and I hate that I am unable to protect them.
I just don't understand how men (or women) can walk away because they don't get along with the other they have chosen to make the baby with. And once a person walks away and out of a child's life, how dare they think they can walk back in without repercussion?
However, I guess in my case, it's too late, because these two men have decided to try and destroy my beautiful daughters lives with their quite different, but eerily utterly similar behavior.
In conclusion, can I just simply say to anyone who may read this... Please, please, please.... when you make a child, be there. No matter if you want to "be with" the other parent or not. You just never realize what you are doing to that child, even as an adult. My girls are wonderful, well rounded , successful adults... but what has happened to them, hurts, and that's wrong. Why would anyone want to hurt one they supposedly "love"? Maybe that word is just a bit overused these days... ya think?
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Life Goes On (or Does It?)
Sometimes I get to witness unbelievable things in my job... such as the unfailing, undying , forever kind of love between a man and a woman.
I watched as they knew their long journey together was coming to an end.
I watched as she asked him to hold her hand, and he did, and she said to him, "Let's quit, ok? Let's just quit." and he agreed to quit with her.
I watched as the tears rolled, and listened as he told her he loved her.
I offered advice and encouragement, and gave what strength I could,
but it wasn't enough... there just wasn't enough.
Goodbye beautiful lady. Fly eternal and pain free.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Morning at the Homestead...
Quick "good morning" to you all! Hope you have a fantastic day ahead... Mine is full of people and meetings... :-)
But I have this view in my mind to keep me through....(taken from our upstairs window this morning...) beautiful, isn't it? 
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Annd.....the Work Week Begins.....
After a holiday...
Damn, I'm tired. Like I said, I work in the medical field and I see patients. No, I'm not a doctor.
But let's suffice it to say, I took off bright and early, and didn't make it home till after 5. In that time, I only saw 4 folks. I had to drive over an hour to see my first family. While there, I was spit on and talked down to like I had no clue what I was doing (and by the time I left, I felt as if they were right), but I was able to pacify them (I think) by getting a chair and a bed in there as the family had asked. New facility, and a whole new set of rules and requests that I have to bend over for.
Made it to my 2nd patient, life is good and peaceful... and sad. A patient who was still walking less than a month ago, had gone to lunch with friends, is now facing death any day. Feet and hands are purple, urine is red, skin is yellow from the liver being involved... Cancer, once again, proves to be an evil entity that mangles and destroys lives. Not only the patients life, but so many lives that surround the patient.... Yet, my patient offers me a weak smile, and shakes their head when asked if there is pain. Questions are asked about what to do when the patient dies at home, we discuss that, and stories are shared, tears flow and hugs are exchanged with a promise to return in a couple of days, sooner if they wish me to come. I made sure that the family had our office number handy to call any day or night... and I left.
In driving back to client number 3, I answered emails and returned phone calls for other patients who wanted equipment for their loved ones, or needed medications ordered, or who simply needed to talk. All part of the job, all part of being who I am and what I do....
Client number 3 visit went rather smoothly. Much encouragement was given to a COPD patient who's breathing had much improved after slowing down smoking cigarettes and "other" recreational things...
Then another hour drive to pick up supplies and drive 45 minutes back from where I just left to change a leaking catheter....
Many times, in my line of work, you start off the day with a st plan, but this happens, or that happens, and the whole day has to be changed... there's no telling what needs done when...
This, therein, is my day... busy, yet rewarding.
Damn, I'm tired. Like I said, I work in the medical field and I see patients. No, I'm not a doctor.
But let's suffice it to say, I took off bright and early, and didn't make it home till after 5. In that time, I only saw 4 folks. I had to drive over an hour to see my first family. While there, I was spit on and talked down to like I had no clue what I was doing (and by the time I left, I felt as if they were right), but I was able to pacify them (I think) by getting a chair and a bed in there as the family had asked. New facility, and a whole new set of rules and requests that I have to bend over for.
Made it to my 2nd patient, life is good and peaceful... and sad. A patient who was still walking less than a month ago, had gone to lunch with friends, is now facing death any day. Feet and hands are purple, urine is red, skin is yellow from the liver being involved... Cancer, once again, proves to be an evil entity that mangles and destroys lives. Not only the patients life, but so many lives that surround the patient.... Yet, my patient offers me a weak smile, and shakes their head when asked if there is pain. Questions are asked about what to do when the patient dies at home, we discuss that, and stories are shared, tears flow and hugs are exchanged with a promise to return in a couple of days, sooner if they wish me to come. I made sure that the family had our office number handy to call any day or night... and I left.
In driving back to client number 3, I answered emails and returned phone calls for other patients who wanted equipment for their loved ones, or needed medications ordered, or who simply needed to talk. All part of the job, all part of being who I am and what I do....
Client number 3 visit went rather smoothly. Much encouragement was given to a COPD patient who's breathing had much improved after slowing down smoking cigarettes and "other" recreational things...
Then another hour drive to pick up supplies and drive 45 minutes back from where I just left to change a leaking catheter....
Many times, in my line of work, you start off the day with a st plan, but this happens, or that happens, and the whole day has to be changed... there's no telling what needs done when...
This, therein, is my day... busy, yet rewarding.
And then, there's tomorrow....
Monday, September 1, 2014
De-Cluttering...
Where the hell did all this stuff come from? My god.... I'm getting rid of crap left and right after moving 9 months ago and still have more! Goodwill loves me.
And my jeep hates me cause it's left out in the weather all the time because the garage is still stuffed.
Sigh... Someday....
I need a beer.
Here I am!
I am calliou, and this is "What the Hell was I Thinking"?
This blog is intended to save my sanity as it will contain things that I find humorous (I am extremely sarcastic) as well as things that frustrate me (and in turn may save my job since we ALL know SOMEONE that searches for and reports Facebook activity to our bosses on a daily basis...).
I am in the medical field, and my hobbies are, my motorcycle, travel, domestic stuff (once in awhile) and my motorcycle (did I mention that already?). Not necessarily in that order.
I have 6 grown children (thank God!), Grandma to 9... I have a cat (maybe 2, but the one outside won't come in), and 3 dogs.I am engaged to a very nice man who puts up with (and sometimes joins in on) my shenanigans at any given moment.
I frequently have "What the Hell was I thinking?" moments and will be sharing them with you as much as I can...
Welcome, and please enjoy.
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