Today I Begin...

Today, July 10, 2019, I am beginning my life again. I have been married a whole whopping 4 days and I must confess.... I am an alcoholic. A high functioning one, but still, an alcoholic. And I hate it. You see, I suffer from what is known as transfer addiction. I had weight loss surgery in 2012 and lost a shit ton of weight. The past few years have been rough, per say, and I have gained a shit ton back. And it's not necessarily my eating habits (well maybe some), but when I drink, I.like.to.drink. A lot. And I don't stop til its gone or where ever I am closes. So due to that, I have regained about 60 pounds. I have so many clothes that no longer fit... I have to wear jeans in the summer cause nothing fits, and i can't breathe again. Ugh. I am struggling with self esteem as well as alcohol. I wonder if people will like me if I am able to stop? God knows I don't talk much when I'm sober, and I'm certainly not very outgoing.... Count me now as the shy, fat, wall flower girl!! I wanna be active again, and thin again and prosperous again...
My wonderful hubby knows all of this, and he is fighting to stop as well... we are the same. One in the same when it comes to alcohol. Scary, huh?
Please don't give me the AA spiel, I won't do it. I realize that it helps some, but not all, and I just can't handle sitting in a meeting with cigarette smoke billowing around my head and listening to others tales of woe. I have enough of my own.
So I thought... writing! I can write and try to sort out my feelings and ideas here, and try to grasp any strength and will power I may have mustered inside of me to say "Fuck you!" to alcohol. It's killing me, and I know it, but when the urge strikes, it strikes hard and fast... and in the words of a wonderful friend, "One is too many and 100 not enough". He's right, ya know. I LOVE waking up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day, but if I drink the night before, I may wake up at noon, or at 4pm. That's totally not cool... That, and I have an already confirmed ulcer that damned near killed me a few years ago. My liver is having troubles (and yes, I do know this for a fact, as I am a nurse). Scared yet?
I have neglected household chores, I have neglected getting up to make my husband breakfast, I have neglected my favorite hobbies.... why? So I could stay up until the wee hours of the morning schlepping around with booze. I moved out of state and went back to see my children once (this was last year, but have been back since - kids are grown), and ended up boozing with old "buddies" instead of spending time with my loved ones. I have woke up naked in the back of a parked car and had to ask the (also) naked man present to take me back to my car. My memory has gotten so bad that I black out when ever I drink. Not a little, every thing is gone the next day.
See, my Dad and Grandma were both alcoholics. Pretty bad ones. I'm afraid I inherited that gene.
Then, when I was dating douche nozzle #1, we drank almost every night. We would travel to out of town breweries to taste their wares, and it got worse and worse. That's all we did. That shit went on for 5 years. Still fighting to get out of THAT mess.. ol' Brucey boy and his sister stole a house from me and all my family belongings. Court is coming up though, and I am hoping and praying the judge sees it my way. I mean, how can he get by with keeping pictures of my now dead parents? Yea, that's the kind of low life he is. (And he wonders why I left...) Fuckin' jag off.
Oh! And then let me tell you about sweet talker #2 "Bishop" who got me for about $30,000.... yea, that fuck wad was a treat and a half.... he ruined my credit (I couldn't buy bubble gum on credit now), nailed my for my entire gun collection, and every cent he could drain out of me.... Fucker. Some day I hope to run into him. Literally. With my car.
After those two and the stalking and the lies and the thievery and every thing else under the sun, I moved to the next state over and dated someone for a couple of months... he was pretty bat shit crazy too. Demanding I not go out after dark, he dictated what clothes I wore, how I wore make up, who I talked to.... I was over it by then. Geezus...
Anyway, I got my own home, and the night I moved in is when I met my now husband. We had been talking online and he wanted to come help me move... I declined stating that I just didn't want any help and would be fine, but he insisted. That day was history. The sweetest, kindest man to walk the face of the earth.... and he's mine. He knows all of my trials and tribulations and is walking hand in hand with me through them. I am blessed to be his wife. I didn't think there were ANY real men out there....
But now, he and I drink to excess when we start, and that's not good.
So anyway, I am going to write and brain dump here in hopes of gathering my thoughts and to regain strength to battle this demon in side me.
Today I begin......